Question is... is it me?

This post is going to possibly explain my mood of late, it's as truthful as I can be within a public forum. I am left confused after the breakdown of several relationships around me and as much as I want to just shout at people to be brutally honest with them, with the full intent of being honest to get their relationships back on track, I feel that my mood is causing them people who need shouting at, to think I have an issue with them, as in, me personally.

I don't have many issues with people truth be told. The past year or so I've relaxed my attitude in to just letting people think they're correct, with the odd outburst here and there from me, to correct people from time to time when I think they need it, plus, a little part of me still loves to throw my opinion in there every now and again.

I do however find myself unable to talk to many people about the issues, because it seems most people around me have issues. It's not just relationships, it's down to things like health problems, day-to-day living problems, mental issues and a lack of understanding. Don't get me wrong, i'm fully aware that I have people around me who will always say "You know you can talk to me", but how can I, if they are causing part of my problems?

It's because of this and my sort of "put up and shut up" attitude which is making me feel like I have to bottle things up. Most of my issues I can put to the back of my mind and help others deal with their problems, but from time to time, I would love a little bit of me time, just doing some random things. Sometimes, I like to be quiet, curl up and read something of interest or amusement online... but when that happens, i'm told i'm being ignorant, not myself, not sociable and not being helpful. This goes with a feeling of being over-worked and under appreciated.

I do have a good set of friends and family, i'm surrounded by positivity, randomness and love... but sometimes I just want to scream out the famous Pink lyrics... "Leave me alone i'm lonely".

Time-out from my world can sometimes be absolutely ideal for me, it can prove to be a sort of... break, from me being me.

Many people have the wrong impression of me. They think I am the entertainer who should be on stage, playing my music, telling terrible jokes and just being the life and soul of the party. I put it down to being a Gemini, which is the twins sign, that being the entertainer is only one side to me. The other side is shy, quiet, reserved, interested, questioning and informative... sometimes opinionated, but if you've ever subscribed to my "BevRants" channel, you might have already guessed that.

Thing is though, the root cause... what am I doing about it?

Well, i'm sticking by me, for now. I'm putting myself first and for once, i'm not doing things that don't make me happy. For example, tonight, I had the offer of going to a friends house for my tea and... I dunno, probably ended up on the playstation or something. It isn't what I wanted from my day. My day, already, had been really busy, and part of me, seeing the sunshine, didn't want to go and be inside. I wanted to spend as much time as possible outside... and more importantly, with my dog, Trey.

When it comes to Trey I do often feel bad for him. He is my little buddy and we work well together. He's always by my side and 24/7, I know if I called him... he'd be right there looking at me for my command. Sometimes i'm away from him for up to 7/8 maybe even 9 hours. I miss him and he misses me (even if thanks to the CCTV I have in my home, I can watch live as he sleeps the time away). So, days like today, where it's been lovely and warm, and while I have the time, I love to go out and spend time with him, even if it's just taking him to a field, it's something that makes him happy... so why not treat him!

It turns out that thanks to car problems, I couldn't get anywhere tonight, instead, finding out that my boyfriend's car has a leak from the power steering, which could cost quite a bit to put right. Still though, that's not the point, point is, if I could have gone out to make me happy... i'd have gone, because it made me happy.

In other parts of my life... i'm working on it. I'm now in a relationship, which everybody knows, takes up time, as they all do, which meant for a while there was a difficult balance in my life. Wanting to set the relationship up good, and be able to spend time with my other half, or, spend time with my friends. I chose to get the relationship up and running. I didn't exactly stop meeting with my friends, but with some, it went to long periods of no contact at all, which is now an issue that i'm working on.

Thing's are coming together, but do you, dearest reader, ever get the feeling that you're just not getting the "me" time you want? Do you feel that you're being pulled left, right and centre and to stop yourself from becoming torn, just need to say "this is what makes me happy, so i'm doing it"?

More than likely, the latter, not so many people will relate to... but that's the stage I feel i'm at. So sure, on social media, I may appear to be angry at times, in person, I may be too... but as the song goes... leave me alone, i'm lonely.