Saturday 24 August 2013

What's in my head, for august anyway....

Put into simple terms for you all, apparently i'm not being the same recently and i wanted to put down all the stuff that's in my mind at the moment. There's a few reasons for me doing this but i guess the main reason is for it to give me time to get my head sorted.

I personally don't think i've been too different recently, my behaviour hasn't changed and i'm still pretty much the same, just, plodding along as per.... but what is in my head?

Well, the first thing would be the actions of the job centre of late. As i said in a previous note on here, the job centre has changed. It's gone from being a place to help you get into work, to staff picking out who's the most vulnerable and where they can save the most amount of money for the government, usually by sanctions. I'm no exemption to the rule.

I'm surrently on a 3 month sanction from the job centre, which is a period of 3 months (who'd have guessed that bit) where i recieve no job seekers allowance. Now, they claim, this is because i didn't attend an appointment with a company called i2i, who are a 3rd party company, set up to "help" the unemployed get back into work. They've not helped me at all and to this date, i'm still unemployed. Anyway, this sanction meant that i've had to apply for what's called a "hardship allowance", which is the normal jsa amount, minus 40% (Why the 40% less, i don't know). Earlier this week i was approved for it and on the coming tuesday, i'll recieve my first payment of that, after a month of nothing.

I've also had letters through relating to a sanction that the job centre applied back in april of this year. My appeal decision couldn't be changed and as a result, the case is now going to court. I've filed the paperwork to say that i will be attending and i will have a chance to put my case forward to them. This won't be happening anytime soon, the court system is full of these appeals (I guess a sign that the job centre is doing this quite alot) and as a result, i'll have to wait 8-12 weeks before being given a date to attend the court.

What else?

Oh well, this week has been one for me to worry about finances. This weekend is Manchester Pride, a few friends of mine are going on the sunday (tomorrow) and of course, no matter how much they all asked, i was too poor to go, since my account balance was 75p. A friend of mine said that he would cover the cost of me getting there and back and sent me an amount of money via paypal. Now this money cleared into my account, early hours friday morning. Straight away, there was £30 missing from that because of bank charges that had been put on earlier in the week. Then i saw a payment to a company for £25. Me not recognising the company contacted the bank and the advisor gave me some advice and refunded that payment, only he then made the mistake of saying "... but you'll have to wait about the card charge". Erm, what card charge?

See, some company had been charging my card without me knowing and now that there was some funds in my account, they took the money while they could, £65. So, i asked the bank for more details, but apparently, their system doesn't show who the funds are going to. Great isn't it, they approve payments of MY money, to go to anyone who wants it and the bank don't even know where it's going, yet somehow send it to them.... great that isn't it.

Today, i thought, screw them, i'll withdraw at a cash machine what i can and then appeal the rest when the bank is back to its normal self on tuesday (great that this all happens on a bank holiday weekend). Only, i got to the cash machine and was told that i couldn't withdraw money, due to lack of funds. WHAT? I called to be told that the bank had allowed 2 more charges to come out of my account, they don't know who it's going to, but i can speak with an advisor on tuesday who should be able to help me, although i'd have to wait for the funds to come out of my account. Oh yeah, that's another great bit of news, it still tells me online and on the phone banking, that the money is still in my account.... what a great service THAT is....

So now, i cannot go to pride, bad enough because i've already said to people that i'd go. Then, i've got to pay my friend back. I know he won't be demanding and fall out with me, but i have a sense of dread because i feel, it's the biggest kind of... theft, or something, that i could do, to this friend who's done something so kind for me. I have to pay him back anyway, because my mind is spinning with this sense of guilt and.... i feel awful.

Then of course, it turns out my father has been getting in touch with my mother. They divorced in 2001 and i've not had contact with my father since 2009 ish. I don't know if he's been asking about me, but i do know, he's not gotten in touch. He's admitted that he's homophobic, but his actions speak louder than words do.

It's not botherd me so much that he's gotten in touch with my mum, but it does bother me the way that all those years ago, he could literally not bother with me, over nothing. I've no doubt he'll have verbally dragged my name through the mud, that he'll have told people all his side of events and people will believe him. What does bother me on this though, is that it's making me ask myself questions that i've not been botherd enough to ask myself in the past.

See, my dad IS an alcoholic and a homophobic one at that. Whenever i've met up with him in the past, my sexuality has always been brought into question at one point or another. He's never been able to kind of, fully accept who i am, as a person. When it came to me not bothering to get in touch with him and him not getting in touch with me, after a while i began to move on with my life. I moved out of my mothers and did with my life what i was happy doing. Yet now i'm left with the questions, do i want to get back in touch with him? I mean, there is a chance that i could go and meet him, with my mum.. but what would be the point in that?

Then of course i'm left asking, is there a need for him in my life? How would he fit into my life and how would i fit into his. Be it, i've not got the biggest circle of friends, at the moment, all the friends i do have keep in touch on a regular basis, even if it's just a quick message every other week. Some friends are around a few times a week. Then i've got family too, i keep in touch with them quite alot when i can etc.... see, is your head starting to spin yet?

I guess these are kind of the main things that are on my mind. There's other bits where i've not been talking to people for whatever reason and although i may now be talking with them people, my head just isn't there.

Like last night, i'd been peforming at a charity party. As it's charity i wouldn't dream of charging, and, i have no money spare, so i was left with no option that walking home. The way i walk home from the venue would have taken me past a friends house, so i text her to see if she was in.... long story short, we met up and went back to her's for abit. She refused to let me walk home by myself and so called for and paid for a taxi for me.

What this all breaks down to is that something isn't right for me at the moment, alot of it boils down to a shortage of money and not enough help with it when it comes to banks and such. I know that people are doing all they can and more to help me, and i cant explain to them how greatful i am for this, but the likes of the bank giving my money away and not telling me who to.... what am i supposed to do about that?

I think it's mentally found my peak and it's a challange to try and stay afloat, given all that is spinning around in my head. Mentally, i'm drained, confused... lost, but still wanting to beat the battle as i always do.

I sit here, day dreaming, thinking about "if only i could get arrested and sent to prison for something, i'd have none of this crap to deal with" and it'd give me a break away too. There's no place for me to run to, even the voice in my head feels mentally trapped and i guess, it's one of those things that i'll do what i can when i can.

As i said though i don't think i've changed. I'm doing what i can to get by and i will, but please.... stop worrying.

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