Wednesday 20 March 2013

Has the friendship sailed?

I climb into bed, fluff up my pillows and tonight, feel completely disheartend. I take a big gulp while typing this out because i fear a sense of dread and some pretty awkward converations, yet for my sanity this has to be typed, becuase either way i don't see this going my way.

Tonight, in a way, i've been forced to hold my hands up and bring out the white flag and admit, I surrender. Surrender to what exactly?

I surrender to what i can only see as motives by someone, who, may not have meant them intentionatly, yet as i explain my situation i hope you'll be able to make up your mind on this whole situation and come to your own conclusion. Before you think of asking, I have, as yet, not spoken to my friend about this and i hope i never have to. Not through a fear of wanting to have the awkward conversation's that this will cause, but through a fear of not wanting to admit that a friendship i hold so close to my heart may have been slipping from my grasp and there's nothing i could do by it all.

Let me be the first to admit that from my part, this friendship hasn't been it's usual self for some time now, i feel excluded from it by another person, who appears to be the updated model of me and that i don't like the future as to where things are going, despite having explained my opinion on certain sides of this, let me explain....

Firstly, this all started when my friend was working at a fast food, chicken based resturant. I won't name names, but you'll know which is the most popular one in the uk.

She'd been working there for some time and this is when i came onto the scene, over the course of a few weeks, we began to talk and get on. We went on a night out, had a few drinks and this is where i class our friendship from having started.

I like to think that over the years i looked out for my friend, i like to think that in situations where she might have been at danger, i was there to protect her. That when she needed a shoulder to cry on, i was there as much as i could be and that when she needed an escape route, i provided one.

But this is where the trouble begins....

Not too long ago, she left this chicken based resturant to presue a new career and take on uni work too. The job role sounded so good, that even i applied for it once i knew she was in there. The job role is working in a childrens play centre, doing basically children's parties, odd jobs and covering reception as and when needed, otherwise, helping the children to entertain themselves either by using the equipment provided by the company or doing activities with the children, like face pating or playing with play-dough.

Not long after my friend had started there, she took me and her sisters in for an afternoon, to allow them to play in the centre and i think to allow me to see what it was like where she worked. I enjoyed my time in there to be honest, i didn't know that such an area existed in our town and i could see her being happy in this role.

Upon leaving the centre i saw a guy behind the counter, not bad looking, but you know when "gay" screams out of someone, yeah, it screamed out of him, to the point i told my friend. Normally, i don't do this despite belief. My friend called me up within a week or so to tell me that i was right, well, maybe not to tell me that, it may just have slipped out during our chat, but either way, i was right at that point.

A few days later and she was planning, with me, her birthday party. The big 21, what were we to do? Id helped as much as i could and for the obv reasons, wanted to include her new work-mates as much as possible. She'd already proven to me at this point that she didn't want a private hire room for all of her friends and family, but trust me, that's for a different story if i ever get around to telling it, but lets just say, all that i'd planned, didn't go down well.

Anywho, just before a works night out on her birthday, i'd added as a friend on facebook this guy that i'd seen in her work place, not knowing who he was, only hearing abit about him from my friend as to what he was like and the fact that he was the only guy working there, surrounded by girls and that yes, he was gay. Me thinking, "He's gay, he'll be able to invite others that she likes in work and others that she's getting to know" i added him and started messaging him. We'd all aranged to go out on the saturaday night, VIP booth at the club and... yeah, nothing happend. People gatherd at mine instead and while yes we had a few to drink, we didn't enjoy it as much as we would have done had we have gone out.

She found out and of course, true to our friendship she didn't like it, so we didn't speak much. During this time while we were getting back in touch, her friend from work posted on facebook that he'd broken up with his other half. I do understand that times like this can be tough for people and that sometimes, talking things out with new people, letting it all get off you chest can be just what you need, so i sent him a message. We talked for a little bit on facebook about things and i let him explain his situation.

Over the coming days and weeks, we did send quite a few messages and that was fine... until the thoughts, for whatever reason, enterd my head that yes he's single, yes he's good looking and he's messaging me. One night i put my heart on my sleave and explained that while yes, i thought he was good looking and a really nice guy, i knew that he wasn't long out of a relationship and so of course any feelings i had, were put to one side and we would just continue as friends.

I did that because i like people to know fully where they stand with me and i hate thinking things about people without them knowing.

I should also mention that my application for this place of work, had come and gone. I'd attended an interview and an audition and while i'd not been given a job, they had asked me to come along and join in their "disco night" on the friday to see if having a live dj/entertainer would work and maybe, it'd give me some sort of work there and maybe, lead to a job there in the end. I was over the moon with this, as anyone would be and of course my friend and this guy were too, or atleast so i thought.

By this point my friend and me, had been in a close frienship for about 2/3 years by this point, we were very close and i thought, we could tell each other anything, or atleast thats what i thought.

I explained my position on the thursday to this guy fully and the "disco" was due to take place on the friday. Friday came and i'll always remember walking in with the first bit of equipment. I'll never forget how while carrying some light's, i looked over at the counter while he buzzed us in. He couldn't look at me, say hello... nothing. I eventually got around to setting up, just under an hour later. Over an hour later and my "disco" time had started. Some staff had been over and introduced themselves, while from this guy, still nothing.

During the whole "disco" time, he must have spoken to me twice, once only to ask if he could borrow the mic to announce that the children for his kids party were due into the area where he was hosting the party and another time to tell me to play gangnam style for the party he was hosting, that was it.

After i'd packed all the stuff away, taken it back to the storage area and was on the way home, my mother suggested going to the local chippy and getting a take away. As we were going in, him and another friend he worked with were coming out. Since he'd not spoken to me the whole time without having to, i didn't want to say hello for fear of an awkward situation. I let is pass, but what happend next, pushed me to the limit.

See, all through the whole time me and him had been talking, i was aware that him and my friend too would have been talking. The one night he accepted an invite of me to come and chat to him in person / make pancakes at his, he invited my friend, with neither of them saying to me "oh i've invited so'n so" etc, it was just while on the phone to my friend she said "oh, i'm coming up to his while you're going around". A clear sign to me that things were not right.

On the friday at "disco night" while i had some spare time i was in the office of this work place typing up an invoice and was talking to one of the centre's managers, i explained that i knew this guy and my friend out of work and how when we had met up we had spoken about what it was like to work in the place and how i might not like some people. We'd both laughed because it was a typical remark.... it turns out, i didn't dislike anyone there.

It also turns out that on the saturday, while they were both in work, my friend had gone in to see the manager about a work-related issue and he'd been called in because of his lateness. While both in the office at seperate times, they'd been told off about talking to me about working conditions and the way they spoke about other staff.

For abit of time, i'd been asked several times if i'd wanted to go to the local gay village with them both on a kind of "Get over my ex" / works night out night out, which i knew i couldnt afford and tbh, with finding this guy attractive, his offer of "i want to get off with as many guys as possible and be really slutty" didn't sound great, because i knew i stood no chance with him, so i'd always make excuses but never give a definate no to it.

As far as i knew, it was a case of, my friend would call me on the day and try to talk me into going... but how wrong can presumptions be?

The saturday day came, they'd both been spoken to about me by the manager. I had gone over to my mothers to spend the day with her and my nana, i was home by about half 6 / 7 ish and what i saw next turned my tummy inside out.

You see, my friend hadn't botherd to call me at all, no text, facebook message, tweet, DM, email... nothing.

Yet when i got home on facebook, within abit of time, there was pictures, tagging and status updates of how they were all on their way to the gay village. My best friend. I sent a text and said something along the lines of "I hope you enjoy your night" to which i got a very awkward reply, but the whole reason that text was sent was a code of "I know exactly what youre upto".

Later on, after a few drinks, my friend began to text me, the usual stuff like "it's such a good night, wish you could be here" etc, which just kind of rubbed my face in the fact that they'd clearly not given a shite wether i went or not, they were just out to have good time. She called me at the end of their night out and on their way home explained to me that something had happend. I tried as best i could to put a brave face on, even though it was only a phone call, i wanted my friend have enjoyed her night out.

The next day, we didn't speak.

The sunday, we spoke. I expressed how hurt i was as best i could. Saying i was hurt that somewhere along the line, they must have spoken about wether they wanted me to be there or not, yet not one of them had the balls to call me, or text me and say "we don't want you to come" for whatever reason. I also learned that this guy had been sort of broken into and of course was shocked about it.

On the monday night, i sent him a message and he was online. We spoke for a little bit about how he was, how his night out was etc, but nothing got said. I should explain that as soon as my friend told me that they'd both been dragged into the office over me, i apologised to both of them. I sent a message to this other guy, that i know he read on the sunday morning, yet recieved no reply.

On the tuesday night / wednesday morning, a number of my friends had noticed i wasn't myself on facebook (how they can tell is past me, but i could no longer deny it). I broke down in a status, an explination and my opinion of what had happend to me that weekend. Along with the status update i also sent an email to this place of work an explained that i would no longer be attending on a friday for their "disco night" for reasons out of my control, aswel as a few other reason which were easily believeable.

Of course, wednesday morning, my friend wakes up and reads this status. Upset, but doesn't say anything... but this other guy apparently reads it and isn't happy. He feels it's a personal attack against him and tries in the comment to put me in my place and tries to put the whole blame on me, explaining that he got completely told off in work because of what i'd said and basically explaining that i was in the wrong for putting that status up.

I replied to it and thats when i recieved an inbox message off my friend, to the both of us. Calling for an end to any arguing and wanting to draw an end to it all. I was pissed off, so i left the group chat and deleted both of them as friends on facebook, i sent a private message to my friend explaining that i was deeply hurt and needed time to myself.

About a week later and me and my friend spoke about it. By this point i'd re-assesed where i wanted her in my life, thinking that behind my back with other people she knew i was no longer welcome on a night out, yet didn't tell me, took part in this planning.... did i really need a friend like that in my life? No.

Since we'd been messaging, this guy had explained about how he wasn't trying to split me and my friend up at all, which struck me as odd, and still does, as to why he would say such a thing, when nobody else would at such random times. I tried to ignore it, but visions of him typing it and me seeing it in messages kept flicking through my mind all the time.

As per the norm, me and my friend made up, only i wasnt completely back into the friendship. I think we managed a night out before she told me that her, this guy and another girl were looking into getting a house together.

I laughed it off and still do, because i know exactly why this offer has come around, why it'll have been accepted and why it won't work, but thats what expireance teaches you and lessons sometimes have to be learned by some the hard way, which is fine.

Since this whole incident, my friend has tried talking about this guy and i completely want nothing to do with him, even hear his name.

We managed a concert and a sleep over in a hotel together after not seeing each other for abit of time and haven't seen each other since (it's been over a week of next to no contact and this is really not like us).

So what's happend to change my mind?

Since the first incident and the announcement about them moving in together, i think i've held it together well, despite wanting, with all my heart, to tell my friend exactly what i think of the situation and how much it stinks.

This afternoon, i recieved a text off another friend of mine, trouble at home had lead her to ask if she could spend the night at mine, and that's fine, i have a spare bed and it'd be nice to have her company for a night.

I recieved a call off my friend this afternoon (the one who i've made it this far without naming) who sounded very happy and in a mood which i know as the "I'm happy, lets go and do something" mood. I explained that my friend was coming to stay with me, but i didn't know why. My other friend arrived at mine and i made my excuses and got off the phone, all was fine until later on that evening.

Another friend of mine had arrived at where i live, we'd all been down to the local supermarket and just gotten back into mine when my phone began to ring. It was a call from my friend, sounding just as merry, who explained that she'd been refused entry to a gay bar in the local gay village. She then followed with the line "I'm with ____" who's the guy. My heart sank.

After i quickly got off the phone call, which ended with my friend saying "You don't sound very happy" my other friends which were sat by me and had heard the whole call, were stunned.

They both knew about what'd happend, all of it, and now had heard the latest.

Both of them, through the evening have said, at one point or another, but not at the same time... "Why would she say that" or "why would she do that", the answer to both of which is... i don't know.

Here's the thing. I do not want her friendship to be exclusive to me, i want her to have other friends whom she can spend time with doing whatever and i want to be happy for her that she's doing other things.

And this is where it gets hard to type because this is raw emotion.

I want my friend to have the best of everything i really do, she has a very special place in my heart still, despite us not having been as close as we used to be, for the past month or so. I honestly wish she could see things from my point of view with this whole situation, yet it doesn't seem to be possible.

I want her to enjoy her time, with any other guy she wants, but i have doubts over this guy for several reasons, reasons to which i think i'll never know the answer to. Like why would he say he didn't want me to go on a night out with my friend, and not tell me? Why would she not tell me, was it a secret pact that nobody is admitting to?

Why would he claim, over and over again that he didn't want to come between us, yet still make plans for nights out, or days out, moving in together, again, not caring how i felt about it? Why, if he felt so angry towards me about him getting spoken to about me in work, would he not say anything to me, other than to angrily have a go at me and place the blame on me, rather than talk normally to me or find out why i felt the way i did? Why would he say he wouldnt come between me and my friend in the first place, NOBODY says that without reason behind it.

So look, here's the thing.

In a few moments, i'll be pressing publish and allowing the world into this dark side of my life i've kept hidden from everybody for such a long time, to the point that none of my friends knew half of what i've typed in here. It'll be posted on my facebook and on my twitter. I will of course hear from my friend, because this post shows cracks in our friendship that she will want to work out. I may hear from the other guy, no doubt angry that this incident has been spoken about, even though at this point, the reader still had no idea who it is i'm reffering to, unless they know the situation.

But what do i want from all of this?

It's too much to ask my friend to make better friends, who i can get along with and not have a problem with in future, there be no question in my mind about some sort of secret motive behind any actions and whom i could enjoy the company of, if our path's crossed in the future. That, will not be happening any time soon.

For several weeks now, i've only been able to see the end of this friendship, really i have. I have a lump in my throat when i type this because i simply do not want it to be true, but i cannot hide how i feel anymore. Like all good things, i can only see this coming to an end and this post may well have something to do with it.

I would normally work at a friendship to save it, but it's too messed up and complex to even begin to save now. Instead, i can only see us going our seperate ways, at first, not keeping in touch, then down the line in our futures, well, who knows.

All's i can say is, if i do lose my friend, then i'm sorry the friendship hasn't lasted as long as either of us would have wanted, i will try to repay you everything i owe at some point when i have it.

To the other guy?

No need to longer worry that you've come between me and my friend.

For now, dearest reader...

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