Bullying and Healing Old Wounds - My reply

I don't think i've ever done a blog post reply... with another blog post. I've done it on youtube a few times, but i've never really been inspired enough to want to talk about a certain topic just because someone else has posted about it.

Yet this topic is slightly different.

I post this reply to Bryan Leffew (who yes, is part of the youtube channel DepFox that you may have noticed, i'm always raving on about) and his post on here called Bullying and Healing Old Wounds which you can read by clicking here.

I think it's best for you to read that post and then what i say next will make abit more sense.

You see, every now and again there'll be what i call a landmark case. By landmark case i mean something to do with bullying or homosexuality or racism etc, that makes people sit up and listen to a problem that happens on a daily basis. For weeks, sometimes months on end, my facebook gets clogged up with how against bullying people are and how they wouldn't ever stand for it etc, yet amazingly, if all these people actually did stand against bullying and worked to end it, then bullying wouldn't be a problem today.

While Bryan's case isn't a land mark case, it is still sad to read, especially if like me, you've seen their youtube video's, read their blog posts and had contact with them, because you see what kind of person Bryan really is. While ok not everything about him is online, or ever should be, the impression left with a few of us is that he's a grown man who used his past experiances to become the man that we all know and love today.

His dealing with bullying is slightly different to mine, certainly more intense with some of the things that happend to him, but reading about it, mentally putting myself sat on that bus watching little Bryan have his bag emptied and stuff thrown all over the place, has made me think that maybe it's time i explained my "adventures" with bullying, in a bid to show the world that bullying doesn't have to be such a bad thing and that it can be stopped, not fully, but in most cases.

See for me, bullying started at a young age, i think about the same time that i was discovering that i was gay. I first remember getting feelings for boys when i was in primary school, probably aged like 8 or 9 or something like that. My first crush was Aaron Carter. Remember him? The little boy who was like the 90's Justin Bieber, yup, he was the one i wanted.

The thought of him turned my little legs to jelly and although i didn't know what sex was at that age, i knew i was drawn to him for some reason.

My first sexual encounter was actually at a really young age too, i won't say with who, but lets just say, the classroom bully soon shifted his opinion of me and went on to defend me when people had things to say about me that he didn't like.

Anyway, bullying first started for me when i was in year 6 in primary school, so like what, aged 11 or 12? Something like that.... It started when a boy in the classroom was trying to put himself as the sort of, top dog in the classroom. We'd been set some work today in our books, i was just quietly writing away, hearing what the other kids were saying about me, but not giving them the satisfaction of letting them know i could hear what was being said, a sort of poker face if you please. All of a sudden this boy stood up, walked over to me and punched me in the side of my head, for no apparent reason. Not one person didn't sit there and laugh, i tried to carry on writing in my book, but my left ear was just ringing, the side of my face felt like it was on fire and i think for the first time, i felt fear. I remember that i started crying, i tried my best to carry on writing but my tears were running onto the page and making the ink run. After a minute or so of this, i decided to go to the toilet. At this time the teacher was out of the classroom, so wasn't aware of this incident happening and to this day, i don't think he ever knew. I washed my face in the school toilets and made my way back to class and tried not to think about it.

At the end of year 6 of course comes the time when the class would go their seperate ways, some would go to one high school, others would be moving from the area and of course i was set to follow in the footsteps of my brother by attending the same high school he'd just left. I remember sort of looking forward to high school, but also kind of giving off the wrong impression. On one of the "tester" high school days, where you're taken around the school with your future classmates etc, we were sent at the end of the school day to go and listen to the head teacher in the hall. No seating was provided, we were just told to sit in row's on the wooden floor. Of course after sitting like that for the best part of an hour can make your legs go numb. I remember the teachers saying about getting the busses etc, so trying to wiggle my toes, getting some blood flowing, but it not working, so of course when we had to stand up, i fell right back down again, kind of setting myself as the kid who's different.

My first year in high school wasn't too bad i must admit, i made some friends who i am still in contact with to this day. But i did start to notice certain other kids, who were getting friendly with some other friends of mine, that id had as friends since primary school and something about these kids meant i just didn't have time for them.

Kind of no suprise that at the beginning of the 2nd year in high school, one of these kids and two of his friends found me walking down a hallway by myself, pinned me by the neck and threw me against the wall, banging my head against the wall, spitting at me and punching me. I'd had my limit, i saw red, when he'd let go of me, instead of running, i heard my mothers voice in my head telling me to fight back. I grabbed him by the neck and pinned him against the wall, lifting him up off the floor, i calmly said that if he ever touched me again, he'd seriously regret it and that this was his warning.

I let go, walked back to the class room, shut the door and sat down and cried, like, really cried. It was still lunch break so there was only me in the classroom. I always remember there was a group of like 3 girls who were in my class walking past the windows outside when they saw me inside, one of them said "i think somethings wrong" and came around and into the classroom. I sat up and explained through tears what had happend. They gave me a hug and told me that i needed to see a teacher about this because it wasn't acceptable. I of course later told a teacher, but nothing was ever done about it, i think it was just put down to some sort of bullying.

At home later that year, my parents were getting a divorce. It meant that i'd have to move house, i'd be living with my mum and seeing my dad of weekends, which was fine, but it also meant that i'd have to move school, which i think by this point, i was happy with, because there'd been plenty of incidents that had happend to me, which i won't bore you with the details, but trying to come to terms with my own sexuality, while my parents are getting a divorce, bullying in school and of course, puberty happening, doesn't make for easy living.

My 3rd year in high school was going to be my first year in this new school. It was a new uniform, i didn't know anyone and let's face it, facebook wasn't around and nobody had a mobile, so keeping in touch with my old friends was just on impossable.

Things seemed to be going ok in the new school as time went on, i made some new friends, got introduced to new things and enjoyed the schools more laid-back approach to teaching. The head teacher at this new school, had been my brothers english teacher in the school i'd just moved from. My mother really liked him as a teacher so when she found out he was head, she knew it'd be the right school for me. My first time meeting him he made it very clear, that if at any point i needed help, go straight to him and he'd help me out as much as he could.

Later would i find out how great this offer was.

I guess the bullying first started in this school when in a classroom one day i'd told a friend that i was gay, i was sure of who i was and explained abit about how i'd come to the decision. I'd say within about a week, if there wasn't a kid in the school who didn't know, then they must have been living under a rock. News spread like wildfire. I did enjoy this new found fame for a small while, there was some kids out there who were in the "popular" kids groups kind of a deal, who would openly say to people of how they respected me for being so honest and how others should follow my example and be brave.

Only not all kids liked the news so much. Over the remaining two years at the school on near enough a daily basis i could be sure that i'd hear my name mentioned a few times, that some rumour would be going around about who i had a crush on and all that jazz, rarely there'd be an incident that would actually shock me. Like i'd had an in-growing toenail operated on, that'd been done in the morning and in the afternoon, i was back in school. That afternoon while in a que outside a classroom, a boy and his "mates" came over and asked about the operation, followed by the fat one (always the fat one) standing on my foot. It hurt like hell, but i kept my poker face on and after a few more comments, they moved on to someone else.

I always remember on a different day, walking down a corridor to a lesson and some boy who was like 2 years below me, spitting at me from behind. I didn't know about it until some other kids told me in the classroom and the teacher said "I think you'd best go and see the head". I made my way down to the head's office and he asked me to come in. I explained about the incident, he was shocked and angry. He helped me clean off my blazer and asked for as much info about the boy who'd done it as possable. All's i knew was what he looked like and that he was in year 9. He went through the schools computer system, infront of me and found a picture of the boy. I was simply sent back to the class at this point and he just said "I'll deal with it".

About an hour later and i was called back to the heads office, he sat me down in the office and informed me that he'd gotten hold of this boy and suspended him from the school for 2 weeks. His parents had been informed about exactly what had happend and that if he was suspended again, he'd be refused the be allowed back in the school and would have to be transferred to another school.

In 2004, i took my final exams and i'll always remember this, when i'd finished my final exam, we were allowed to go home. I began to walk home, only getting to the part where the path went downwards and you could no longer see the school, i stopped, looked back at the school and smiled with a tear in my eye. It was over. No longer would i have to hear people talking about me, no longer would i have to be bullied in any way, my life could now begin.

I honestly cannot explain to you just how much things have improved for me since the days of having to go to school, the outside world, as cruel as it can be at times, is no match for having to go to a place everyday and having to suffer with some of the biggest idiot's you'll ever meet. I honestly think that its having gone through bullying myself, that makes me feel like im able to connect abit more when people like Bryan, talk about bullying and what they had to go through. It's only since school that i can honestly turn around and say, it really does get better.

But having gone through the bullying, with it's focus mainly being towards my sexuality, do i feel there's a way to stop it? YES!!!

See, Bryan's bullying wasn't over anything specific, like his sexuality or such. I think, and i could be wrong, but because Bryan was seen to some as an easy target, he was set up on by the bullys. I've found with the bullys that if you have muscle, they'll never pick on you, if you're skinny, abit "geeky" or something about you is seen to be different, you'll be the target.

But how to stop the bullys?

First thing that really needs to change is the education environment as a whole. For me, the bullying came about over my sexuality because people didn't know about it. Students and some teachers if im honest, would all partake in jokes which forced the stereotypical gay lifestyle into the ears of learning kids. Nothing was ever taught about sexuality, even in the sex education lessons, it was all about how baby's were made and the inner workings of the vagina.

The gay community has a very rich and powerful history to it which needs to be taught. If we teach kids that being gay isn't a bad thing, we teach acceptence of the topic and bullying would stop. Not completely, but certainly alot in my case, because kids wouldn't be saying stuff behind my back like they were, if they were taught about what being gay actually was.

For Bryan's case, the bullying needed some sort of intervention, now this is where some change has happend. We now live in a day and age where parents themselves can go on anti-bullying courses, to try and teach them the sign's of if their child is being bullied and if they are, what to do. Teachers can now be more vocal in standing up against bullying. Of course not all teachers take action against bullying, but more do than ever before and it is making a difference.

While we can never fully get rid of bullying, i'm still of the opinion that we can reduce it alot by making change happen. One of the ways that we make this change happen is by us talking about what has happend to us in the past. I can't put myself into Bryan's place, my bullying isn't similar to what he went through and how he delt with it while it was happening, but you can tell by reading his post that he's beeing through alot with the bullying, both while it was happening and since.

But here's the secret.

Bryan today is loved by ALOT of people, be it for his looks, his personality, his life... whatever it is, people like him, but part of me thinks that Bryan had to go through the bullying to make him the person he is today. While he may not like to think about what happend to him or talk about it, it still shaped his charicter and it does raise the question. Bryan could well be a different person had he not have gone through what he did, so can the bullying really be called a bad thing? Without it, we might not have the Bryan that we all know and love today.

I'm a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason, like i said before, i do not regret the bullying happening to me at all, it made me the person i am today, where i can simply let the name calling and stuff just wash over me, where i now feel strong enough to actually tackle bullying head on when i see it happening infront of me (and yes, i've gotten involved a few times).

To sum it all up, although this is a long post, this is only part of what happend to me, i'm sure if he'd have wanted to, even Bryan could have had you reading for days if he was to explain everything that happend to him, but like Bryan does, i want others to speak of whats happend to them. To show to people who read these sorts of things that life really does get better, that just when you're ready to throw it all in and look for an escape from life, the best thing you can do is actually get on with your own life.

That's why i support the "It gets better" campaign and the NOH8 campaign to name but a few. Details of them are below. If you're reading this and going through the bullying, speak out about it.

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

http://www.noh8campaign.com/