Sunday 20 May 2012

Better off alone....

See, now sometimes people will sing the song "Better off alone" and some joke about saying it to someone as a way to break up with them, but for me, the song has a deeper meaning, because in a way, im screaming yes at it.

Let me tell you why....


See, the reason i feel im better off alone is because im wanting to protect myself from something that happend in the past, which i can't quite deal with. Let me tell you what happend.

- Of course, as this is a real situation, i will change my ex's name -

So, my 3rd (ish) job was going door to door, trying to get people to change their gas and electric suplyer. Of a friday we would all go to the local pub, where there would be like £50 or something behind the bar for us. One night we all suggested that we would go home and get changed, then come back to the pub at about 8pm and we could bring someone with us.

I brought my dad. Yeah, i don't know why either, but one of the new girls brought her gay brother, we'll call him John.

Now me and John actually didn't speak that much on the night, but me still being young and letting him put his hand on my leg (yes while sat next to my dad) meant that my standards had dropped, so i ended up going back to his.

Things happend and we said we would keep in touch. We did and i think after a few weeks we got into a relationship. One night my mother was having a few drinks around at her's, so we both went around and it was a good evening. That was until after the guests had gone and my mother had gone to bed. My brother was sat on one side of the couch, me in the middle and on the left was John.

Nothing good was on the tv and we were all drunk, so they both said about me going to get a dvd. I went upto my room and started looking for a dvd. Something in the back of my mind said "What if the magazine storys are happening to me and theyre getting too close to each other now".

I lay on the bed for a minute trying to get the tought out of my head, about 5 mins later and i went down stairs, to find my brother on another couch and John watching the tv like there was nothing else in the room. I didn't really think anything of it, i mean, my mind was just playing tricks on me wasn't it.

It was only a few days later that John said to me that he wanted his hair to be cut and could he have my brothers number for him to do it. My brother had been a hairdresser for many a year before this.

I thought nothing more of it and gave him the number and said i'd leave him too it.

Another couple of weeks ago around and my mother was having another night of drinks at her's, Me not knowing anything better took John with me and introduced him to my other friends. He did keep sitting in the corner texting on his phone and looking at my brother, but i didn't know why. I also didn't know why my brother's friends and my friends were taking him around the back of the garage and wouldn't let me be there while they were talking to him.

Less than a week after this night and i was on my way home from work, my mother was going to see one of her friends and i wanted to go too, so i arranged that i'd get off the bus in another town and she could meet me there. She met me when i got off the bus, drove the car around the corner and parked in a car parking space. I didn't know why, but got worried when she sat there and said "We need to talk".

She began to tell me that John, on the first night i said about, had tried to kiss my brother on the first night.... they had kissed. Then, on the 2nd night and days leading up to it, he had been texting my brother, telling him his name, which was the same name as another gay person my brother worked with (He'd genuinly got confused). These were not the most polite messages that got exchanged, but it was only on the 2nd night that my brother had realised which John it was that was texting him.

I was in shock. I was 17 and gutted. My first ever boyfriend who had tried telling me not days before that he loved me and wanted to take things futher with me, had actually been trying to start something with my brother behind my back. Not only that, but if he had tried it on with my brother, who else would he have tried it on with?

My mother explained that she had told me everything and that any action i took on this, wether she approved or not, she would stick by me.

After reading enough magazine's story's, i decided that i would end it straight away, because these sorts of things never end well.

We drove around to my mum's friends and she went in and was talking to her, i had gone in too, but i was too numb to actually say anything to anyone. They went off into the kitchen and i for some reason went and got back in the car and called my friend sam. I told her everything i had been told by my mum and she asked "What are you going to do?" I didn't know. I wanted to know if this was true, but my brother was in work so i would have to ask John.

I held my phone in my hands for minutes just looking at it, hearing his voice in my head and thinking of things to say incase he said something.... Kind of role playing how this call could go.

I called.

He answerd and he was with his sisters girlfriend at the time, they seemed to be having a laugh. He asked me how i was and i replied that i was ok, but needed to talk to him. I started to tell him what i had been told by my mother. I told him everything, then asked the simple question "Is it true".

He couldnt answer. My eyes began to fill up and i heard him going into another room. He tried to explain something and i remember just saying again "You know if what i have been told is true or if it isn't, so please, save what you have to say, just tell me, is it true".

He said "Yes".

Euurgh!!!! Instant heart break.

I just said that i couldnt carry on things with him if this had all happend, he of course pleaded with me, but no, i was determined, it would end.

It was of course this time that i hung up and went inside to tell my mum what had happend. I remember getting into the doorway of the kitchen at my mums friends, still feeling numb but with tears down my face.

So that's what had happend.


Moving on from that and im stuck. It seems no matter how much i try telling this story to people, the thoughts in the back of my mind, just wont stop me thinking "He's going to cheat on you". It's cost me a fair few relationships in my past now too, i can't let it carry on, because it just makes me feel worse than i already do. So i've put a block on myself meeting men that i have feelings towards. I've been known to practically block people on social media, because i can't have contact with them... why? Because the voice in my head tells me "Yeah, you'd be happy with ____ but he'd cheat on you" or other random crap like that.

I'm getting better these days, i have contact with men who are good looking, who i could happily fall in love with, just on their looks alone.... but i don't want to get into a relationship with them, because of these thoughts. So what to do?

Have you ever had something like this happen? How did you get over it? If time is a healer for this sort of thing, why almost 6/7 years on am i still unable to be happy and trust a person?

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