Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Is life amazing?

So here I am, sat back at my desk, windows open because it's warm, even though it's cloudy outside and i'm again questioning what is my life.

I've not long completed a course of CBT to deal with my own problems, call that the reason I've been quiet on here... But in truth, I've just been getting on with life as best I can.

At home I become bored too easily, nothing to actually do apart from surf the internet, play games or watch tv, all of which grow boring after some time. I can go and see friends, but usually that ends up with me drinking and spending money I can't afford. I mean for the past few weeks I've had literally no food in my flat. My boyfriend has helped me through the tough times, of course he would, but I have to wonder... what am I doing with my life.

I've semi given up on reading about the world because it's all bad news every where you look. Only last night there was a huge fire in London which has claimed lives when a tower block of flats became quickly engulfed in fire. One of my worst fears about living in my old flat was how to get out if the stairway became covered in fire, and that was only on the first floor!

If I look up over at Manchester you're just reminded of the bombing which took place while I was away on holiday, London has had several terror attacks in recent months, so you look further away from home, we're still bombing Syria, Turkey is still at war, America is still trying to deal with Trump and... it just gets to the point you go, I can't cope with all this.

So, sure, this is a short post. Call it a mid afternoon release of steam. I'm going to go and mow the front garden, I think that'll give me something to do.

Sunday, 29 January 2017

The box

A small time ago I discovered a company which offer a subscription service for about £20 a month called a buddy box. The idea behind it is that once a month you the subscriber would receive a box through the post full of item's you weren't expecting, which give focus to mental health and well being. I love this idea.

I love the idea because suffering with mental health the way that I do I often find myself unable to cheer myself up. I become very disinterested with objects and general day to day things and I need something to keep my mind active or something to waste my time on. I can be a very difficult project!

When I moved into my new home I was very short of storage until my first Christmas here. As a present off my family I was given some storage units to go in several places around my home. As I began packing things away into these boxes I decided that maybe indeed I did need to create my own buddy box. Just one box which would be full of things for me to see and things to do. I guess during better times in my mind idea's like this are wonderful, but today for me is yet another boring day. I have nothing to do and nobody I know is available to even come around for a coffee.

It is times like this where I need my buddy box the most. Something to help me pass the time until something comes along for me to go and be busy with. I mean don't get me wrong theres plenty I can go and do in the real world, but when your brain is lumbered with depression, forcing yourself to do anything can seem impossible, even though some people do point out the obvious that it is only me who can improve my mood... but sometimes even I don't know how to.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Here is another 10 minutes filled up, and yet, it is in itself a waste of time.

I hate days like today.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Am i a trump supporter?

I think it's official. 2016 was seen as a bad year because a lot of really well known people passed away, Brexit happened and of course for America, Trump won.


This was supposed to be shocking news, but in truth, we had all been warned that IF it came to Hilarious Clinton and Donald Trump going head to head, he would win... and he did. Now since then, arguments world over have taken place about how trump didn't win the popular vote (which doesn't count towards anything to be fair), how trump hired Russia to hack something so he would win the vote (even though the vote doesn't take place online at all)... you get the idea, a lot of stuff being said.

While I can accept that some people will be worried for the future of their country, I, as an outsider of America actually feel quite calm about him coming into power. I mean let's look for a second at one fact, he hasn't even become president yet and already more people than ever before are now interested in politics and those same people are going to be watching every single thing his government do, waiting for them to slip up.

Now i'm not stupid here, I know he is a republican, I know that the republican party don't really have the interest of you at their heart unless you're a straight white male, but I don't think Trump himself deserves the amount of hatred he is getting at the moment. It's kind of like standing outside your local McDonalds complaining at future employee's are going to mess up orders and so they shouldn't be hired... you can't say that because you don't know it for sure, you might have a strong hunch, but you can't be 100% sure. Same thing for what people are doing at the moment, and this is what makes me wonder...

Am I a trump supporter?

During his running time for the elections the man made some very idiotic comments. I have even wondered myself if the only reason he ran was to try and make Hilarious Clinton look like the better candidate since they are good friends, but if this were true then wow did that plan back fire. It has to be said however, I am willing to give him a chance. Does that make me a supporter of his? I don't agree with a lot of what he has said, I think some of his idea's that he spoke of pre-election were the most crazy I have ever heard, but i'm still willing to see what he does in the role, given that since it was confirmed he won the vote, he has gone back on several of his election promises.

Look, the world over was more than willing to give Clinton a chance, even though her past is filled with war, oil robbing, money from some very questionable sources and of course the laws she has passed for said money... but America was willing to give her a chance, yet, not a man who frankly, spoke his mind during the election campaign. If we agree with him or not on his points of view, we have to admire that this is one man in politics who will call stuff as he see's it, and the truth is, it has been a while since a political figure has been like that in the west in a long time.

So, how do I finish this off? Well, all's I can say is... join me. Sure, watch him, question every thing he does, but stop moaning already. He IS going to be the next president of the USA, and he is going to have years in power, so simply typing #NotMyPresident on your social media makes you look slightly stupid (unless like me, you're not in the USA and so it is the truth)... But all in all, give him a chance. When he does something which makes you angry, then i'll be right there with you shouting for change... but let's see what he does first.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Mum's advice

Recently online I have seen a sort of surge in the amount of my friends and family joining websites and groups which are designed to give mum's the best advice on how to raise their child. Everything from what to feed your child right through to what clothes to get them and for the best price.

On the whole there's nothing really wrong with these sorts of groups, in my opinion, when they are used in a supportive manor, but part of me cannot help but wonder if these groups are making other mums stressed... let me explain why.

When it comes to feeding a child of course any mother is going to want to make sure her child receives the best food possible, that it's all fresh and healthy and cooked to perfection... but some mothers cannot afford the finest in food. Some mothers cannot afford the time to spend all day getting everything ready for one evening meal.

When it comes to clothing, having your child wearing good looking clothing items and of course making sure that no animals were harmed in the making of that clothing item are what every parent wants to have their child in... but at what point does that stop and the attitude of "well at least that child is clothed" comes in.

Look, this isn't going to be the longest post in the world, but I do have some advice for all mums.

 
Keep doing what you're doing.
 
 
That's it. All mothers raise their child in a different way to other mums, they all have different styles and different rules, but nobody and I mean nobody can force you to be the perfect parent, because simply put... one doesn't exist.
 
 
A mothers job is stress filled enough, without feeling more pressure from other mothers or doubts over your ability to do a good job. So by all means, if something is wrong, then ask for help, but never feel as if you're failing your child. 

Sunday, 14 August 2016

A change in community part 1

Times really have changed for me since I last posted on here and it seems minus the odd facebook status, I have forgotten how to type too... but this is all actually for a good reason.

On 11/11/2011 I signed on the line and received the keys for my first ever home. It was to be on a road called Beechtrees. If, like many not from the area, you begin to think that sounds nice, don't get your hopes up. The truth is, Beechtrees is in an area called Digmoor, which since the late 80's has struggled to wipe its reputation of being a very rough area with high crime rates and vile people, and yes, over its years it has played home to some very not nice people, but when signing for the keys I was very excited to be starting the next part of my life. It was to be my first home away from my mothers where I would be living by myself.


I moved in and at the time didn't have much to call my own. My uncle visited from Canada and was left a little bit bored being sat in the flat on a rickety chair watching a tv from the 90's while inside I was dying a little, wishing it was already the home I wanted it to be.

Over time I began to turn it into the home I wanted, more furniture came my way from donations or from people who were selling items cheap, and I was made up with how my home was beginning to take shape, it was what I wanted it to be.

In 2014 towards the end of the year I received a letter, hand posted, stating that the area I was going to be living in, well, Beechtrees, had been chosen to receive a multi-million pound investment from local government. The houses and flats would be given a brand new look, new kitchens, new bathrooms, new windows... everything! I was really happy at this news! It was to be short lived though as in 2015 I received the plans for what the area I was to be living in, but my flat, my home, was not on the plans. As the main letter confirmed to me, indeed, my home, the building was to be pulled down and I would have to move. This would of course turn up on the day I had bought some wallpaper ready for going up in the living room and of course, it never made it up there.

My home was coming to the end of it's life.


I was a little bit on the sad side, I won't lie, but how could you not be excited at the prospect of a new home? I had no idea when I would move, but I knew that it couldn't be too far away, so all idea's of decorating were put on hold, time to begin to think about how you want your new place to look... I thought.

Over the time, since I got the news, I began to grow bored of where I was living. It seemed as if I gave up, it wasn't tidy, cleaning was the last thing to get done often and I had grown tired of it's location and increasing number of empty properties around it. I had lived there since 2011, it was time for a change of scene, in truth, the flat was starting to do me mental damage because I was growing so bored of the environment there, but what could I do? I was to be leaving soon anyway.

In the May of 2016 I arrived back off a family holiday to the letter off the council saying "We need you to begin to look for a new place to live, the flats will be coming down" followed by a short visit off a man from the local government who was very informative, telling me they were aiming to have the flats down in September of 2016, something which I think has now been delayed, but you never know!

I began packing little bits and looking for where I could move to. It turns out the council had already been working on fixing up an old estate near to where my mother lives and a lot of people messaged me to say about these brand new flats that had been built and how I should apply for one of them, all the time i'm remembering that it is a bidding system when it comes to council housing, I could bid, but with them being new and a massive shortage of housing in the area, I wasn't likely to ever step foot in one, let alone own one.

After a few weeks I received the information that I had been set up on the council's housing website and that I could begin to look for a new place to call home, and, it just turns out that there was 2 of these new flats available. No pictures, very little information, but hey, they were new and I could always say no if I didn't like it.

What happened?

See you in part 2....

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Trey's Post - The big booms.

Hello, my name is Trey and on behalf of my human i'll be posting this story, please read it until the end and then share it, it's kind of important to me... oh and here is my picture.


The Big Booms, by Trey.

It began a few weeks ago when me and my human were just sat on the couch at home and he was flicking through the channels. Thing's outside hadn't been right for some time and I could sense that human was worried about something, but i'd learned to just lean into him and give him cuddles whenever I could, which seemed to calm him down.

Life had been pretty much the same for me recently as I had still been going out on my walks and meeting new friends sometimes to go for big runs along the field and one time I even got took to the beach! Ha! It was brilliant!

On this particular night though while human had been going through the different channels on the TV, he froze on one of them and he became really still as he listened to what was being said on the TV. Some woman was saying something, I don't know what, I wasn't paying too much attention if I was honest, but I sensed something wasn't right.

I sat up and began to look at the TV, this man in a suit came out of a house looking thing and stood in front of this big tall box and began to speak, again, no idea what was being said, my focus drifted to my human was sat bolt upright and he had began to shake. The man on the TV didn't seem to say much, but I remember my human leaned over and snatched his mobile phone off the other side of the couch and frantically began to press the screen loads. "It's true Trey, It's true" he said. I didn't know what was true but I sensed that something wasn't right here, so I jumped off the couch and onto the floor, looking at my human in case he wanted me to do a task.

He called what seemed to be like a lot of other humans and he kept saying "I love you, we will do this, everything will be fine, just know I love you" which I thought was really nice of him and I kept wagging my tail to let him know that I loved him too.

A little while later there was this really and I mean REALLY noise outside, it was like one of those disco cars that go past really fast with the flashing lights on the top and the awful music playing loudly, it sounds like a siren, but I never know what it is... maybe it is a siren?

Next minute, my human hung up the phone and picked me up... GREAT I thought, we're off out! I took a look at my lead which was hanging by the door, but just before we got to it human turned and we went into the bedroom. He put me on the bed, closed the door and jumped on the bed next to me. He just said "Right Trey, come here, give me a cuddle, you need to be strong, but it will all be OK".

I walked over to him, confused by why he was doing this, because normally we don't cuddle up until it's bed time and I could tell that I wasn't tired and I knew my human wasn't either, but I lay down next to him and we shuffled into our normal position where I lay with my head on one arm of his and he puts his other arm over me and he moves me back so my back is on his chest. I could feel that his heart was beating really fast for some reason, maybe he was just happy to be going to bed, who knows!

He began to lightly stroke my head when we both heard this massive bang. It sounded like what human called thunder, which I was sometimes OK with, but this was really loud this time, so I didn't like it. I sat up to check my human was behind me, and he was, but I noticed tears had began to fall from his eyes. There wasn't enough time for me to wonder why because another loud bang happened and all the lights went off in the bedroom and it felt like the walls moved too. I let out a huge yelp and ran into my human's chest, he said loudly "It's going to be ok Trey, calm down, you're with me now".

I don't really know what happened next, I was being held by my human, but everything went really bright and really windy, then I felt a thud. My paws, all of them, began to hurt really badly and I wasn't being cuddled by my human anymore, I didn't know where he was because as quickly as everything had gone bright, it had gone dark again. I began to sniff the air and it was horrible, it was like nothing I had smelled before but I knew I wasn't where I had been.

"Trey?" I could hear my human shouting me, "Trey come here". It sounded like we were playing that game on the bed again, where he hides under the quilt and I have to find him and while I wanted to play this time, my paws and legs were really sore and I could have done with a cuddle more than anything!

After a few more calls of my name and commands, I began to smell my human, he was near, but I couldn't see him! It was like there was a lot of dust and I started to yelp until he came to me. After what felt like a life time, he did, my human was there. I tried to lift my paw to show him where it hurt, but I couldn't lift it up. "It's ok Trey, we will both be fine, but we have to move quickly". He scooped me up and seemed to run with me.

I knew something bad had happened, but with my human with me, I knew I would be OK.

 
 
STOP
 
This story is about a war starting, in case you didn't know. My human tells me that war is something which happens right now in many places around the world, please stop it.
 
It breaks my heart to think that other dog's in my position are without their humans tonight. We need our humans for love and cuddles, so please, do what you can stop war.
 
Me and my human are safe, this story never happened to us, luckily, and I never want to hear of it happening to anybody I know. When wars happen, human's suffer, but so do all pets.
 
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.
 
Trey x
 

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Me and Anxitey... hint, we're not friends.

Anxiety is a mental disorder which I suffer with on quite a common basis. It is mentally changeable, but during the time of a persons suffering with this (and trust me, it is suffering) you'd think others would be more understanding and helpful, but apparently not, so i'm here to give you my insight in to what it is like to live with this problem on a day to day basis.

Anxiety can also show itself in the form of attacks, mental breakdowns, day to day living problems, nervous disorders and other more complex issues. My main form of dealing with anxiety is mentally, although it has been known to have an effect on my breathing and mood.

So when I wake up in the morning, I will look at my phone. While I swipe through the messages and emails and notifications in general, my mind will always look at who has contacted me and who hasn't. Who hasn't replied to a message I have sent them and why. Mental Anxiety will make me think first off that somebody hasn't replied to a message because they do not like me, that I must have done something wrong. If not controlled at this stage, my brain will go on to thinking about previous comments I have said, any past arguments, fallings out etc and this can be draining on you to be thinking all these thoughts first thing in the morning, and it really does slow you down.

Now at this stage, I will drop contact with people who haven't messaged me. This isn't because I dislike them for not messaging me or anything, but it is to stop me asking them what is wrong all the time and while my brain is thinking there is a situation, it is to stop that situation from getting any worse, a sort of protective measure for both sides, if you please.

I will explain to you about how my brain reacts when plans change, because this involves physical stuff and that can also have an impact.

So last week, me and a friend who haven't met up much recently made plans to meet up and go for a meal, maybe a walk around a local town and most of all, a good talk, I mean, friends are there for you to chew their ear off right? We had all the plans set into place. In the morning of that day I had other stuff to be getting on with, which causes me mental stress anyway, but in the afternoon I made contact and said basically "i'm ready, what's the plans" which were met with "I'm not in the mood for going... hope you find something else to do".

Now for me, that instantly sends the message of... I've done something wrong, so what is it, and it's hard to find an answer when I could be creating a situation in my head that doesn't exist in real life. Since then, there's been no contact between the two of us. My brain keeps thinking that I must have done something wrong, that maybe I didn't come across as excited enough for the other person to be happy about going etc. You do after a while begin to change thoughts, so mine went to thinking maybe she wasn't in the mood for going, maybe there's nothing wrong... but then social media plays it's part when you see that same friend going out with other people, where they could have been going out with you, you see status updates about phone calls they could of / used to have with you, and that just sends me mentally back to stage one.

It really does weigh you down eventually to where you don't feel like you can take much more and so you begin to cut ties with people after a while, to try and cut down on the mental stress you have to deal with on a daily basis, but sometimes that doesn't help. If anything, it can add to the amount of problems you have, because you wonder what sort of friendship you are missing out on and what could have been had you not cut ties with them in the first place.

Mental Anxiety is a very difficult thing to try and live with, like I said before, you would think others would be more understanding, but because mental health isn't spoken about openly by most people, nobody knows how to handle you.

I did hear not too long ago that there's set to be a million pound push on mental health services within the UK, bringing not only better treatment, but awareness to different mental health issues, I cannot wait for this to happen, because maybe then, more people will know what i'm going through and how to handle me.