Tuesday, 8 May 2018

The most honest I can be...

https://youtu.be/dub_vXYQUKI

That's the link to my latest video over on the BevRants channel called "I want to kill myself".

Please watch.

Saturday, 5 May 2018

what it's like

When I sit down to write a post my mind goes through a million and one thoughts, typically its "who is going to read this" or "is what I say that important". The truth is of course is that the writing is for my benefit, more than anything. It's a form of therapy and a calming trick used by lots of people who are going through stages of anxiety or even depression.

Today I sit and write down because I feel a better mood is on me, based on how I have been feeling the past few weeks. The loss of close friends hit me hard (I'll be coming onto that topic another time when I have my thoughts together on the matter) and now a close family member in hospital, it just seems to be one of them stages where it's one thing after another.

Don't get me wrong, not everything is bad at the moment, me and my boyfriend have booked a trip away to Scotland for next year, visiting another Haven site and I really cannot wait... check it out...


Looks like it could be good! Me and my boyfriend are very excited for not only the holiday but of course getting to explore Scotland which is a nation of beauty.

As I sit here and write this I'm reflecting on my day so far. It's a Saturday, its hot outside and it's 1:53pm at the moment. Already I've done battle with the clothes drier (which doesn't want to dry clothes), dipped myself and the dog in the pool, got dressed and managed to control my breathing in the pool while it was really cold (it's hard to do, but a trick I learned for anxiety attacks).

Today already I have done a lot, for me, and that's fine. Later on i'll go off to the hospital and visit my relative as she does what she can to make herself better, and i'll also get to spend some time with my mother, which is something I love to do, but not something I get to do all that often.

So, i'm writing this post, it's not very long, but it's an example to myself that I can publish work. I really haven't been in the mood for writing since my last post (oh god that was a while ago), I even downloaded the blogger app to encourage myself to write more, which clearly didn't work.

It's small steps on a bigger journey ive now got to go on to try and improve myself, to get me back to me.

So, see you here more often?

Monday, 12 February 2018

Welcome back... Me.

So, it's been a while hasn't it.

I've been on quite the mental health journey recently and I'm going to start posting more on here, as a way of helping me to deal with my issues, but also as a way to help others understand, they're not alone.

I also downloaded the blogger app too, so it's easier for me to share content on here now too... So expect some fun along the way too!

Anyway, let's begin... Im backv

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Who holds us back?

Listen to this song...


This song is beautiful to me, it's rhythm, it's calming and soothing tones really do set to get me into a mood which I pick, it can make me feel motivated, it can make me feel relaxed... it really is set to my mind how I want to feel after or during listening to this song, I can literally make my own world in my head just listening to this song. It's main lines of vocals are "You can do anything you want to, you can do anything" which today made me want to ask the question, who holds us back from doing what we want to do?

See for some time I have had visions in my mind about going to different places around the world, to go and explore, go and take on different activities, go and try different foods and all that jazz, but something holds me back and I can't quite put my finger on it.

When I look at going to different places around the world the idea really does excite me, everything from flying, to unpacking in the place where I am staying. I'm very much one of those people who like when I went to Turkey, we went to the places which are clearly built for tourists, but I went to other places where tourists didn't seem to be there, like one of our days out was to this small island which is only occupied by this goat which has a habit of attacking people. There was no bars, no shops, nothing. Granted, I was hungover, so I slept on the boat ride over and only managed to make it slightly off the boat, but I did manage to make friends with the goat, giving it a few rubs and saying hi... which I know sounds crazy, me talking to a goat, it wouldn't have a clue what I was saying, it would clearly only talk Turkish.

Stuff like this is what I want to go and explore in this life, but again, what or who holds me back?

When I want to go and explore one of the things I have to look at is the bank balance, and that's never in a good shape, so that holds me back. Even while working, it would hold me back because money never seems to be there for me, so who's fault is it? Is that my fault, is it my employers fault? I really don't know.

I guess with this post, there's never going to be an answer, but, to the statement "You can do anything" I reply... I can't, someone or something holds me back... what do you think it is?

Sunday, 20 August 2017

Terror in Europe, are we a target like we make out?

Recently I was at a friends house when he asked me "What's happened in Barcelona?".

I of course was pretty clueless at the time, until I found out what had gone on....


The news brought with it the usual level of shock and sympathy for all those caught up in the terrible incident which should never have taken place.

Today though, I read something which kind of put it into perspective for me. Countless times I read that the west is the target, how Europe is the innocent victim in a world gone mad, yet one persons comment of "It happens daily in the east, yet once in a blue moon here" really made me think... are we the target that we claim to be?

In the run up to the recent general elections here in the UK, the UK suffered 3 major attacks in which people died, most famous attack is the one which took place at the Manchester Arena. We were targeted... but still not as much as the east.

Not a day goes by where in some places like Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan etc, there isn't a terror attack taking place and taking innocent peoples lives. It literally is a regular event. ISIS and all other terrorist organisations we are told target people from the west, yet, looking at the actual bodies of people, they are mostly from the east, they are mostly muslim and they are mostly not from or have anything to do with the west.

So I put the question to you dearest reader... are we a target in the west like we make out?

Sunday, 13 August 2017

The uprising of the far right...

Recently a lot of my social media has been focused on a march of the white far right in America and how they can operate these days etc.


The above picture depicts a moment of dark history for modern day America and the bottom part of the picture is an image from August 2017, marching for the same cause.

I find it amazing that I can sit here in 2017 and be wondering how a persons skin colour can still be an issue for anybody, I really do wonder sometimes when humanity will kind of, mature, and get over the small stuff, for the greater good of humanity... but that's for another post.

Of course, the poster child and basically the definition of racism within America is the KKK. The political party which saw murders and awful things done to people who basically weren't a straight white male. Although the KKK is still very active these days I don't believe they had too much to do with the most recent march, however, they would have had some sort of involvement i'm sure, even if it was supporting the march itself.

The far right however is a force which nobody really seems to be able to cope with or deal with. I myself have had many battles with the far right and I am still to this day blocked on many of their social media accounts because I will call out their hatred when I see it. The focus of most of the far right has shifted as we have all seen, into being against the followers of Islam and immigration which they will use as an excuse to blame every single thing on. Economy failing? Immigration. Health service under funded? Immigration... you name it, innocent people will be blamed.

This particular event which happened in Virginia however is to do with skin colour, and it's a scary sight to see, because racial tension is still sky high and events like this will only put salt into peoples wounds who have endured a whole life of being judge by their skin colour and it will teach younger children to be divided and judge others on skin colour.

It has still got to stop.

What needs to be looked at though is how the liberal and far left deal with the far right. I like to think of myself as being in the middle of left and right, I like to be able to see issues from all views, but when it comes to skin colour, I myself will always look down on those who use skin colour as a reason to hate somebody in any way.

The far left however, and much of the middle, will always refuse to engage with the far right, because they're just seen as racist idiots, which ok, might be true in many cases, but to end this kind of thing we need to engage people in talks and education. This really is the only way forward. We cannot allow racism to continue, it has gone on for long enough now and I as a white person am saying this from the bottom of my heart... but we need to TALK to the far right. We need to understand WHY they feel the way that they do and what their goals are, then, and ONLY then can we begin to talk to them about changing their point of view. If we listen to them, they will listen to us more and it is difficult, sure, but it is the only way for things like this to end.

From the bottom of my heart, to all those who were affected by what they saw at the protest please keep in mind that these people represent themselves, they do not speak for the majority of white people.

Now, i'm willing to talk to the far right... let's see who is willing to talk to me, from the far right.

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Is life amazing?

So here I am, sat back at my desk, windows open because it's warm, even though it's cloudy outside and i'm again questioning what is my life.

I've not long completed a course of CBT to deal with my own problems, call that the reason I've been quiet on here... But in truth, I've just been getting on with life as best I can.

At home I become bored too easily, nothing to actually do apart from surf the internet, play games or watch tv, all of which grow boring after some time. I can go and see friends, but usually that ends up with me drinking and spending money I can't afford. I mean for the past few weeks I've had literally no food in my flat. My boyfriend has helped me through the tough times, of course he would, but I have to wonder... what am I doing with my life.

I've semi given up on reading about the world because it's all bad news every where you look. Only last night there was a huge fire in London which has claimed lives when a tower block of flats became quickly engulfed in fire. One of my worst fears about living in my old flat was how to get out if the stairway became covered in fire, and that was only on the first floor!

If I look up over at Manchester you're just reminded of the bombing which took place while I was away on holiday, London has had several terror attacks in recent months, so you look further away from home, we're still bombing Syria, Turkey is still at war, America is still trying to deal with Trump and... it just gets to the point you go, I can't cope with all this.

So, sure, this is a short post. Call it a mid afternoon release of steam. I'm going to go and mow the front garden, I think that'll give me something to do.